Fear, Misalignment, and the Taproot of Self: The Hidden Forces Behind Your Patterns

Three of the most common experiences my clients bring to coaching are:

• People-pleasing tendencies they’re aware of but can’t seem to shift out of

• Repeated struggles to follow through on their goals, despite genuine passion and desire

• Time management issues that leave them overbooked and unfulfilled, day after day

  
  

I’ve noticed how often these overlap — how people-pleasing can shape our schedules and our commitment to goals, and how time management can either support or sabotage both.

And lately, I’ve been channeling my inner John Nash — noticing patterns and common threads running through it all. If you’d like to indulge me, read on.

A Quick Look Back at the Brain

Our brains are at the center of our world experience. While early thinkers like Aristotle believed the heart was the seat of thought and intellect, later physicians such as Galen — and eventually Renaissance anatomists — identified the brain as the organ responsible for thought, emotion, and perception.

It’s no surprise, then, that our emotional and behavioral patterns — including the three I see most often in clients — can be traced to common root causes. Still, recognizing that is only the starting point for change.

As the emotional and intellectual hub of human experience, the brain can make it difficult to separate the root thought that sparks an emotion, which then drives our actions and shapes our perception of the world.

The Common Roots: Misalignment and Fear (Plus One More)

In reflecting on my clients’ stories, I realized their struggles tend to boil down to two main root causes — and a third that’s more nuanced. Those two are misalignment and fear.

The third falls more in the realm of psychology and neurology: factors like neurodivergence or neuropathy. These can shape how we experience time, focus, and follow-through. As someone with moderate ADHD, I can tell you that sometimes my ability to finish what I start has more to do with executive functioning than with fear or misalignment.

As G.I. Joe famously said, “Knowing is half the battle.” Awareness of these central root causes gives you a strong launching-off point to explore your own patterns — people-pleasing, time struggles, and goal drop-offs alike.

Understanding Misalignment

Misalignment often stems from low levels of awareness — both internal (self-awareness) and external (situational awareness).

From the self perspective, not being clear on your values puts you at risk of setting goals you think you should pursue, rather than ones that actually align with who you are. It can lead to over-scheduled calendars, misplaced priorities, and relationships built on obligation instead of authenticity.

Much of adult life is about “testing the fences” of the values we’ve inherited from family, culture, and community. But with how loud the outside noise can be, how often do we pause to review the data — to notice which values are driving us toward unhelpful choices?

Take the value of health, for example. Within it, you might stack goals related to nutrition, exercise, rest, and balance. But what if, instead of Health, you’re unconsciously operating from the value of Discipline?

Your approach might become rigid — showing up consistently, but not always for the things you’re truly seeking. If you don’t know that you’ve chosen discipline or believe that is necessary to live a healthy life, that misalignment can make those five gym visits a week feel like a drag instead of an act of care. You may quickly find yourself breaking those promises you made January 1st. 

That same confusion can drive you to overbook spin classes, arrive late, or show up frazzled — all because your actions are rooted in shoulds, not in authentic alignment.

Understanding Fear

Fear also runs deep in the patterns my clients want to break:

• Fear of missing out

• Fear of making the wrong choice

• Fear of failure or success

• Fear of isolation or abandonment

  
  

Fear is an ancient survival response — primal, protective, and sometimes invisible. We tend to imagine fear as loud and obvious, but often it shows up quietly, disguised as control or care-taking.

For example: what if the impulse to anticipate others’ needs — to nurture and accommodate — is actually fear in disguise?

When you strip away the behavior and look at the motivation, you may find fear’s fingerprint: the need to control outcomes so you can feel safe.

It’s important to distinguish people-pleasing from the authentic value of Nurturing. One comes from fear — a ‘have to’ energy — while the other comes from choice and alignment. The moment something feels reactive instead of responsive, fear may have taken the wheel. In that sense, fear isn’t separate from misalignment — it’s a signal that a genuine value may be showing up in distorted form with a deeper internal block at play.

Bringing It All Together

Fear, misalignment, and (at times) neurological or physiological factors are like cracks in a foundation. They can lead to time management struggles, people-pleasing behavior, and goals left unfinished.

In truth, both fear and misalignment trace back to a single taproot: our perception of self. Naming your fears and identifying your misalignments is a process of vulnerability and curiosity, not judgment. Afterall, how we see ourselves shapes what we choose, how we act, and ultimately, how we experience our lives.

For tools, support, and strategies that help you explore the root causes of your own barriers to fulfillment, coaching can be transformative.

If trauma or psychological factors feel intertwined with your experiences, therapy or counseling can be invaluable. Both disciplines offer safe spaces to turn the corner and begin living with clearer purpose and choice.

If you’re curious about whether coaching is the path for you, take my Discovery Quiz.

Disclaimer

No work product, advice, direction, or guidance given in this post is to be construed as medical, mental health, or other professional medical advice or service. Please contact a qualified professional service provider for those matters